Lonely and Unproductive

I'm out of town for the moment, trying to salvage our current paper. Things aren't going well, but they aren't going too badly either. Mostly I don't think I am getting anything productive done by being here.

I'm lonely out here, with nothing to do in the evenings, and no internet connection to work with either, except when I am working. In the evenings I am pretty much confined to the rental I am staying in, about a mile from anything of interest, with no car or means of getting around.

I want to go home.

Song Lyrics: Something I need to think on

I can't run anymore,
I fall before you,
Here I am,
I have nothing left,
Though I've tried to forget,
You're all that I am,
Take me home,
I'm through fighting it,
Broken,
Lifeless,
I give up,
You're my only strength,
Without you,
I can't go on,
Anymore,
Ever again.

My only hope,
My only peace,
My only joy,
My only strength,
My only power,
My only life,
My only love.

I can't run anymore,
I give myself to you,
I'm sorry,
I'm sorry,
In all my bitterness,
I ignored,
All that's real and true,
All I need is you,
When night falls on me,
I'll not close my eyes,
I'm too alive,
And you're too strong,
I can't lie anymore,
I fall down before you,
I'm sorry,
I'm sorry.

-October, Evanescence

A good weekend?

I went to see mother this weekend. She isn't acclimating well, unfortunately. Her job search has been dragging on for far too long and is only adding to her depression. Luckily the school year just ended, which means she may find employment as a school teacher soon, which is what she would like most.

We tried to spend the weekend on more positive things, she and I went out into the city early in the morning and walked around some of the formal gardens in the south. We didn't talk much, just took in nature, strolling through the flowers. It was an absolutely lovely morning. By noon we were hungry and so found a sidewalk cafe along the canal towpath. I think the setting helped mother a bit, the air was pleasant, the sky was clear and brilliant blue, and the canal was filled with the most delightful geese, who paddled by as we enjoyed our tea and sandwiches.

After lunch we went to another park, this one much more natural, which dipped down by the White River. The high banks and gorgeous foliage had the effect of shutting out the city entirely and transporting one to a far distant place, away from the roar of traffic and rush of society. We spent a while walking along the river banks, watching some younger children play in the water, talking about family and lighter topics so as not to spoil the day.

When we grew too hot we went back to her house, and spent the afternoon looking at photos sent by cousin Marije back in Africa. Her son and his wife have evidently taken a position just outside of Douala at a church run hospital, the two of them have been writing regularly and taking lots of photos of the children they are working with, most of whom are AIDS orphans. Very inspiring.

Sunday was more bittersweet. We went to Church together, and I suppose I understand now better why mother has been avoiding social situations. Every time someone asked what she was doing, or how the job hunt was going nearly put her in tears. She had to step outside several times during the pot luck to catch herself.

I feel really helpless when she has a breakdown like that. She doesn't want to be hugged, and there is nothing I have found to say to help her through it. It seems the best way to handle the situation is to let it resolve itself, but I feel like I am not being a dutiful daughter if I don't try something, and it breaks my heart to see her so depressed. I just don't know how to handle it.

For the moment I'm not letting on to mother how I've been doing. She has her own problems and needs me to be strong for her. She also needs you to call her Ari. I know you keep making excuses for why you can't call her, but she needs to hear from both of her daughters. She misses you desperately, and I think it would help her if she could talk to you regularly.

Love,
Lacey

Lately

I've been having problems lately, I suppose you could say. It isn't something I have much desire to admit either, really. I typically like to cast myself as the strong type, able to take on the problems of others at a moment's notice. These past few months, and really the entire last year, I have found myself unable to even handle my own issues.

It is mostly work that has been dragging me down, the stress level of the current project, when juxtaposed with my course work, has just been too much. Truthfully, it has been bad enough that I have suffered from nervous breakdowns in the past few months. This is hard for me to admit, it isn't something I've asked for help with, even though I probably should have (and I'm sorry Ari that I didn't tell you about them, I know you would have wanted to know, but you have enough problems yourself, hey?). To be quite honest, it isn't something I rather want to talk about at all. For the moment I just want to sweep it under the rug and say "I've passed that, for now." I don't know that this is particularly healthy, but at the moment I feel like I am just trying to survive, that I am accomplishing that, and that I don't want to "push my luck", as it were.

Hmmm, writing about this sort of thing doesn't seem to be doing me much good. In the name of the experiment I'm going to go ahead and leave this here, however much I don't want to.

Love,
Lacey

Something new perhaps?

Ari has finally bothered me into establishing a blog. Well, so it isn't exactly entirely her fault... I have been wanting an excuse to do some writing again (and not the dreadful technical sort I typically engage in for work). So here you are sis, I can't promise I will write often, though I think I will try.

Love,
Lacey